It's been very clear for the past couple of years that Insult Haiku has become a mainstream competitive, one-on-one extreme sport, more compelling than chess and more dangerous than kick-boxing. It's a simple battle where you can get 3 points for a delivering a devastating haiku insult, and the sport has taken on a life of its own in our culture.
ESPN will carry the Insult Haiku Championship live this summer, hosted appropriately in Athens, Greece, where competition is always an Olympian endeavor.
Featuring world champions Tony C and Bob Q facing off for the first time in a sold out public venue, this is a must-see event. These guys have been neck and neck the entire Insult Haiku season, and there's no sign of either letting up.
A new helmet rule was instituted this year as a result of the serious brain injuries suffered during December's Winter Insult Games in Stockholm where imitators attempted to deploy the excruciating techniques mastered by these two superstars only to suffer a devastating medical issue, proving that the risk of injury is real. Acknowledging the fact that they have become role models, Tony & Bob have agreed to wear the new headgear to set a good example for the youth who emulate their every move.
Grosses are expected to exceed the Superbowl, World Soccer Cup and Wimbleton combined!
Scalpers are already making sales and the best seats are going for over $10,000. Sponsors are readying new insult products, and copy cats are sprouting up everywhere, from MSNBC's Mouth Off Haiku to Fox's Haiku Knock-Slam.
- Cadence - must be genuine 5, 7, 5 haiku. Any deviation on this strict cadence will not score.
- Insult - must be a high quality insult. A good insult scores on that basis alone.
- Extra point is awarded for rhymes, although to qualify for a rhyming haiku point, all three lines must rhyme.
Scroll down to first Insult. The match is in progress, so please be courteous as the Insults are thrown.
Bob's Insult
Who was once ahead?
Someone now just looks in dread
Tony knucklehead
Bob's Insult
A numbskull sublime
Tony could not make it rhyme
Loser all the time
Bob's Insult
Thought he had it made
But he never made the grade
Idiots parade
Bob's Insult
On his face a frown
In ignorance he will drown
Tony's score is down
Bob's Insult
Tony's in the pits
Lost his mind and lost his wits
Time to call it quits
Tony's Insult
haiku shmaiku Bob
you are still a messy slob
like a floating blob
Tony's Insult
having so much fun
pow Bob, so easy to stun
all your friends will shun
Tony's Insult
so nice to beat you
cook up a juicy Bob stew
fried brains stink, peuuw
Tony's Insult
now Tony on top
Bob left with an ugly mop
like a silly fop
Tony's Insult
Bob is so sneaky
his brain is getting creaky
his face all freaky
Tony's Insult
who is keeping score
no wonder i feel so poor
Bob is at the door
Bob's Insult
Tony sings a song
It's pain to ears all along
Always gets it wrong
Bob's Insult
Like the dullest knife
He can't rise above the strife
A loser for life
Bob's Insult
Thinks he'll win the game
But the outcome is the same
Loser is his name
Bob's Insult
He may huff and puff
Tony's effort's not enough
He's not up to snuff
Bob's Insult
Meal of crow to eat
A potent sign of defeat
He can't take the heat
Tony's Insult
bobs words make me sick
rather beat me with a stick
stinky haiku shtick
Tony's Insult
your haiku stinks foul
so hopeless it makes me growl
like a lion doth prowl
Tony's Insult
cant believe how bad
youre making me feel very sad
oh well just too bad
Tony's Insult
so sad one could cry
too pathetic to really try
straight back to the sty
Tony's Insult
oh bob my good friend
cant you see the classic trend
heading to a dead end
Bob's Insult
Proof he has no smarts
Tony wooed the queen of hearts
Mixing truth with farts
Bob's Insult
Tony is so dense
He's now left to play defense
Lost his common sense
Bob's Insult
Tony found his place
His intellegence, no trace
Falling on his face
Tony's Insult
its easy to see
you can barely stand and pee
all clearly agree
Tony's Insult
new leader in town
Tony wears the victor's crown
Bob left with brown frown
Tony's Insult
wish i could say Bob
that you aren't a haiku snob
'fraid you're just a slob
Bob's Insult
Your brain won't let go
Now it's rotten - we all know
It died long ago
Bob's Insult
Time to go to school
To become a smarter fool
Studying your stool
Bob's Insult
I think you will find
That's no monster in your mind
Just Tony's behind
Bob's Insult
Tony came to play
But it was a rainy day
His brain washed away
Bob's Insult
Now you've wet your pants
Thinking that you learned to dance
Sorry, you've no chance
Bob's Insult
Sorry, have to say
Your lead in this will not stay
Loser all the way
Bob's Insult
You have such a need
We watched your bad haiku bleed
It's failure indeed
Bob's Insult
You thought you could try
But losers never can fly
Now it's time to cry
Bob's Insult
Tony tried to do
But he failed just like we knew
Incompetence true
Bob's Insult
Could not make it rhyme
Tony's head was stuck in slime
Lost in record time
Bob's Insult
What does Tony know
Since he lost it long ago
Such a tale of woe
Bob's Insult
Tony lost to me
The score a hundred to three
Brain size of a flea
Bob's Insult
Breath was more than bad
Tony lost it yes he had
His effort so sad
Bob's Insult
The story is true
Poor Tony, what can he do
Never had a clue
Bob's Insult
Mind in bad repair
Inside Tony's skull was air
There was nothing there
Tony's Insult
seriously dude
you know this is very rude
no haiku exude?
Tony's Insult
Haiku is too tough
you just don't have the good stuff
no time for weak bluff
Tony's Insult
Bob what can I say
its all over in a day
all went Tony's way
Tony's Insult
this is pathetic
so bad its sophomoric
tony fantastic
Tony's Insult
like a mean old crone
i have cut close to the bone
its Bob I now own
Tony's Insult
i guess its over
even your old dog rover
found a new lover
Tony's Insult
this is too easy
bob, you sound like you're wheezy
sadly, just sleazy
Tony's Insult
man up Bob, dig in
you got some drool on your chin
I'm peeling your skin
Tony's Insult
oy vey hoy polloy
Bob plays like a little boy
drooling at a new toy
Tony's Insult
point of the story
for Tony great victory
for bob no glory
Tony's Insult
really makes me sad
Bob, just like an undergrad
no spark, just too bad
Tony's Insult
must be your aging
cant be those hormones raging
brain cells decaying
Tony's Insult
its okay dear bob
i see your head start to throb
just cant do the job
Tony's Insult
Bob you went too far
you are not really the star
that you think you are
Tony's Insult
its all for nothing
my endless silly writing
for bob's web ranking
Tony's Insult
I see your slick plan
bob is merely a con man
having me write spam
Tony's Insult
boasting and bragging
all this chirping and gloating
results still stinking
Tony's Insult
clueless as you are
you will not go very far
I am the big star
Bob's Insult
Just wishful thinking
Tony's lead is fast shrinking
Gone back to stinking
Tony's Insult
what audacity
this is sheer mendacity
no veracity
Tony's Insult
Tony takes the lead
Bob shakes and quivers in dread
given up for dead
Tony's Insult
sadly its so true
Bob is turning black and blue
smelly like a shoe
Bob's Insult
That was ugly prose
And not real haiku you chose
To pull from your nose
Tony's Insult
though he does deny
bobs haiku does putrefy
stinks, like a pig sty
Bob's Insult
Hard to be amused
Your haiku is so abused
Proof you are confused
Tony's Insult
jealousy so petty (6, Cadence - FLAG)
Bob, sounds like aunt Betty (6, Cadence - FLAG)
feisty, but empty
Bob's Insult
Tried to use big words
Tony's attempt was absurd
Spouting only turds
Tony's Insult
humiliation
bobs noble aspiration
perverse flirtation
Bob's Insult
Something stinks - P U!
From the bottom of my shoe
I looked, it was you!
Tony's Insult
if you need my help
all you gotta do is yelp
woof woof barks the pup
Bob's Insult
Tony is so full
From his ass his words he'll pull
Another load of bull
Tony's Insult
Bob, so juvenile
these efforts not quite your style
really quite puerile
Bob's Insult
Your mind is so numb
That your brain became your thumb
Now your hand is dumb
Bob's Insult
I could not but laugh
The test results of your graph
IQ cut by half
Tony's Insult
ridiculousness
Bob cracking under duress
love your pretty dress
Bob's Insult
Rev Sale says, "God bless."
Occupy may seek redress
Tony makes a mess
Tony's Insult
heeeres Bob, firing back
sadly, its a lame attack,
just cant talk that smack
Bob's Insult
Your last made my day
Don't think you can get away
That smell's here to stay
Tony's Insult
bob leading 3-0
looks like tony's the bozo
not so fast Tonto
Tony's Insult
its too soon to tell
what that awful stinky smell
for bob will foretell
Tony's Insult
enuff of your sass
time to kick Bob's cheeky ass
show who's haiku boss
Bob's Insult
From what you show me
Attempted haiku phony
Just more baloney
Tony's Insult
haiku shmaiku (4, uh oh - Cadence FLAG)
seems like only you can do
the magic voodoo
Bob's Insult
Crack me up you do
But your cadence is not true
Still phony haiku
Tony's Insult
Bob, you crazy old fart (6 uh oh - Cadence FLAG)
this isn't math, this is art
ok ok ill restart (7 oy - Cadence FLAG)
Tony's Insult
haiku hurts my head
nothing but pain and icy dread (8 uh oh - Cadence FLAG)
im tired, going to bed (6 oy - Cadence FLAG)
Tony's Insult
your thoughtful disdain
expressed in elegant refrain (8, uh oh - Cadence FLAG)
left a smelly yellow stain (7, oy - Cadence FLAG)
Bob's Insult:
'Cause he knows today
Of course is Tony's birthday
Dog lifts leg to spray
1ost.com
Where You Are Before You're Found
Caught In The Struggle
Nowhere / Somewhere