Insult Haiku
Making Inroads Into Professional Sports

It's been very clear for the past couple of years that Insult Haiku has become a mainstream competitive, one-on-one extreme sport, more compelling than chess and more dangerous than kick-boxing. It's a simple battle where you can get 3 points for a delivering a devastating haiku insult, and the sport has taken on a life of its own in our culture.

ESPN will carry the Insult Haiku Championship live this summer, hosted appropriately in Athens, Greece, where competition is always an Olympian endeavor.

Featuring world champions Tony C and Bob Q facing off for the first time in a sold out public venue, this is a must-see event. These guys have been neck and neck the entire Insult Haiku season, and there's no sign of either letting up.

A new helmet rule was instituted this year as a result of the serious brain injuries suffered during December's Winter Insult Games in Stockholm where imitators attempted to deploy the excruciating techniques mastered by these two superstars only to suffer a devastating medical issue, proving that the risk of injury is real. Acknowledging the fact that they have become role models, Tony & Bob have agreed to wear the new headgear to set a good example for the youth who emulate their every move.

Grosses are expected to exceed the Superbowl, World Soccer Cup and Wimbleton combined!

Scalpers are already making sales and the best seats are going for over $10,000. Sponsors are readying new insult products, and copy cats are sprouting up everywhere, from MSNBC's Mouth Off Haiku to Fox's Haiku Knock-Slam.

Scroll down to first Insult.  The match is in progress, so please be courteous as the Insults are thrown.

 

Bob's Insult

Who was once ahead?
Someone now just looks in dread
Tony knucklehead

 

 

Bob's Insult

A numbskull sublime
Tony could not make it rhyme
Loser all the time

 

 

Bob's Insult

Thought he had it made
But he never made the grade
Idiots parade

 

 

Bob's Insult

On his face a frown
In ignorance he will drown
Tony's score is down

 

 

Bob's Insult

Tony's in the pits
Lost his mind and lost his wits
Time to call it quits

 

 

Tony's Insult

haiku shmaiku Bob
you are still a messy slob
like a floating blob

 

 

Tony's Insult

having so much fun
pow Bob, so easy to stun
all your friends will shun

 

 

Tony's Insult

so nice to beat you
cook up a juicy Bob stew
fried brains stink, peuuw

 

 

Tony's Insult

now Tony on top
Bob left with an ugly mop
like a silly fop

 

 

Tony's Insult

Bob is so sneaky
his brain is getting creaky
his face all freaky

 

 

Tony's Insult

who is keeping score
no wonder i feel so poor
Bob is at the door

 

 

Bob's Insult

Tony sings a song
It's pain to ears all along
Always gets it wrong

 

 

Bob's Insult

Like the dullest knife
He can't rise above the strife
A loser for life

 

 

Bob's Insult

Thinks he'll win the game
But the outcome is the same
Loser is his name

 

 

Bob's Insult

He may huff and puff
Tony's effort's not enough
He's not up to snuff

 

 

Bob's Insult

Meal of crow to eat
A potent sign of defeat
He can't take the heat

 

 

Tony's Insult

bobs words make me sick
rather beat me with a stick
stinky haiku shtick

 

 

Tony's Insult

your haiku stinks foul
so hopeless it makes me growl
like a lion doth prowl

 

 

Tony's Insult

cant believe how bad
youre making me feel very sad
oh well just too bad

 

 

Tony's Insult

so sad one could cry
too pathetic to really try
straight back to the sty

 

 

Tony's Insult

oh bob my good friend
cant you see the classic trend
heading to a dead end

 

 

Bob's Insult

Proof he has no smarts
Tony wooed the queen of hearts
Mixing truth with farts

 

 

Bob's Insult

Tony is so dense
He's now left to play defense
Lost his common sense

 

 

Bob's Insult

Tony found his place
His intellegence, no trace
Falling on his face

 

 

Tony's Insult

its easy to see
you can barely stand and pee
all clearly agree

 

 

Tony's Insult

new leader in town
Tony wears the victor's crown
Bob left with brown frown

 

 

Tony's Insult

wish i could say Bob
that you aren't a haiku snob
'fraid you're just a slob

 

 

Bob's Insult

Your brain won't let go
Now it's rotten - we all know
It died long ago

 

 

Bob's Insult

Time to go to school
To become a smarter fool
Studying your stool

 

 

Bob's Insult

I think you will find
That's no monster in your mind
Just Tony's behind

 

 

Bob's Insult

Tony came to play
But it was a rainy day
His brain washed away

 

 

Bob's Insult

Now you've wet your pants
Thinking that you learned to dance
Sorry, you've no chance

 

 

Bob's Insult

Sorry, have to say
Your lead in this will not stay
Loser all the way

 

 

Bob's Insult

You have such a need
We watched your bad haiku bleed
It's failure indeed

 

 

Bob's Insult

You thought you could try
But losers never can fly
Now it's time to cry

 

 

Bob's Insult

Tony tried to do
But he failed just like we knew
Incompetence true

 

 

Bob's Insult

Could not make it rhyme
Tony's head was stuck in slime
Lost in record time

 

 

Bob's Insult

What does Tony know
Since he lost it long ago
Such a tale of woe

 

 

Bob's Insult

Tony lost to me
The score a hundred to three
Brain size of a flea

 

 

Bob's Insult

Breath was more than bad
Tony lost it yes he had
His effort so sad

 

 

Bob's Insult

The story is true
Poor Tony, what can he do
Never had a clue

 

 

Bob's Insult

Mind in bad repair
Inside Tony's skull was air
There was nothing there

 

 

Tony's Insult

seriously dude
you know this is very rude
no haiku exude?

 

 

Tony's Insult

Haiku is too tough
you just don't have the good stuff
no time for weak bluff

 

 

Tony's Insult

Bob what can I say
its all over in a day
all went Tony's way

 

 

Tony's Insult

this is pathetic
so bad its sophomoric
tony fantastic

 

 

Tony's Insult

like a mean old crone
i have cut close to the bone
its Bob I now own

 

 

Tony's Insult

i guess its over
even your old dog rover
found a new lover

 

 

Tony's Insult

this is too easy
bob, you sound like you're wheezy
sadly, just sleazy

 

 

Tony's Insult

man up Bob, dig in
you got some drool on your chin
I'm peeling your skin

 

 

Tony's Insult

oy vey hoy polloy
Bob plays like a little boy
drooling at a new toy

 

 

Tony's Insult

point of the story
for Tony great victory
for bob no glory

 

 

Tony's Insult

really makes me sad
Bob, just like an undergrad
no spark, just too bad

 

 

Tony's Insult

must be your aging
cant be those hormones raging
brain cells decaying

 

 

Tony's Insult

its okay dear bob
i see your head start to throb
just cant do the job

 

 

Tony's Insult

Bob you went too far
you are not really the star
that you think you are

 

 

Tony's Insult

its all for nothing
my endless silly writing
for bob's web ranking

 

 

Tony's Insult

I see your slick plan
bob is merely a con man
having me write spam

 

 

Tony's Insult

boasting and bragging
all this chirping and gloating
results still stinking

 

 

Tony's Insult

clueless as you are
you will not go very far
I am the big star

 

 

Bob's Insult

Just wishful thinking
Tony's lead is fast shrinking
Gone back to stinking

 

 

Tony's Insult

what audacity
this is sheer mendacity
no veracity

 

 

Tony's Insult

Tony takes the lead
Bob shakes and quivers in dread
given up for dead

 

 

Tony's Insult

sadly its so true
Bob is turning black and blue
smelly like a shoe

 

 

Bob's Insult

That was ugly prose
And not real haiku you chose
To pull from your nose

 

 

Tony's Insult

though he does deny
bobs haiku does putrefy
stinks, like a pig sty

 

 

Bob's Insult

Hard to be amused
Your haiku is so abused
Proof you are confused

 

 

Tony's Insult

jealousy so petty     (6, Cadence - FLAG)
Bob, sounds like aunt Betty     (6, Cadence - FLAG)
feisty, but empty

 

 

Bob's Insult

Tried to use big words
Tony's attempt was absurd
Spouting only turds

 

 

Tony's Insult

humiliation
bobs noble aspiration
perverse flirtation

 

 

Bob's Insult

Something stinks - P U!
From the bottom of my shoe
I looked, it was you!

 

 

Tony's Insult

if you need my help
all you gotta do is yelp
woof woof barks the pup

 

 

Bob's Insult

Tony is so full
From his ass his words he'll pull
Another load of bull

 

 

Tony's Insult

Bob, so juvenile
these efforts not quite your style
really quite puerile

 

 

Bob's Insult

Your mind is so numb
That your brain became your thumb
Now your hand is dumb

 

 

Bob's Insult

I could not but laugh
The test results of your graph
IQ cut by half

 

 

Tony's Insult

ridiculousness
Bob cracking under duress
love your pretty dress

 

 

Bob's Insult

Rev Sale says, "God bless."
Occupy may seek redress
Tony makes a mess

 

 

Tony's Insult

heeeres Bob, firing back
sadly, its a lame attack,
just cant talk that smack

 

 

Bob's Insult

Your last made my day
Don't think you can get away
That smell's here to stay

 

 

Tony's Insult

bob leading 3-0
looks like tony's the bozo
not so fast Tonto

 

 

Tony's Insult

its too soon to tell
what that awful stinky smell
for bob will foretell

 

 

Tony's Insult

enuff of your sass
time to kick Bob's cheeky ass
show who's haiku boss

 

 

Bob's Insult

From what you show me
Attempted haiku phony
Just more baloney

 

 

Tony's Insult

haiku shmaiku      (4, uh oh - Cadence FLAG)
seems like only you can do
the magic voodoo 

 

 

Bob's Insult

Crack me up you do
But your cadence is not true
Still phony haiku

 

 

Tony's Insult

Bob, you crazy old fart      (6 uh oh - Cadence FLAG)
this isn't math, this is art
ok ok ill restart      (7 oy - Cadence FLAG)

 

 

Tony's Insult

haiku hurts my head
nothing but pain and icy dread     (8 uh oh - Cadence FLAG)
im tired, going to bed     (6 oy - Cadence FLAG)

 

 

Tony's Insult

your thoughtful disdain
expressed in elegant refrain      (8, uh oh - Cadence FLAG)
left a smelly yellow stain      (7, oy - Cadence FLAG)

 

 

Bob's Insult:

'Cause he knows today
Of course is Tony's birthday
Dog lifts leg to spray